Close encounters of an awkward kind

Being blind is not a defence against embarrassing predicaments. And
it’s always the ones that end up making you look like a pervert
which are the worst / the best – particularly when you’re trying
your best to appear natural and not disabled.

These embarrassing encounters always seem to happen to me when I’m
in a busy environment. Like what happened in our local Super shop.

There I am, having successfully made my purchases, holding my
basket of goodies under my right arm, my guide dog guiding me
towards the check-out counter in my left and as we move over the
space to the counter, I stick out my right hand out at hip height
to feel for the approaching counter when… Suddenly there is a
cute squidgy buttock nicely cupped in my right hand! The lady
gives a small involuntary shudder, squeal, swings around and
exclaims HEY!…

I am embarrassed and mumble, “I am so sorry. I did not see you

Then she notices me – sees a guy wearing shades in a well lit shop
and a cute guide dog by his side… in a split second of
realisation, says “Oh, that’s alright.”

Typical me in an embarrassing encounter of this kind, I reply “Ok
if I do it again?”

Just recently I was at a memorial service for a friend. During the
proceedings, I heard a relation of the friend a few seats away from
me. So when the service was over, Vixen and I got up and turned in
the direction of where I had heard her speaking. I just wanted to
give Beryl a condolence hug.

I said Beryl, I want to give you a hug and held out my arms
expectedly… Only to feel a big breast well buried in my right

The pliable mammary belonged to another person who I’d never met
before! And no funny remarks like “I didn’t see you there” was
appropriate in a situation like that.

Blogger Barry: The below story was Written by Ian hamilton
published in The Herald, Scotland (UK) 2007.

approaching double doors. It’s odd – one of those strange
coincidences, like when you drop a piece of bread and Peanut Butter
and it always falls Peanut Butter-side down.

In the same way, if there is a breast around, you can guarantee
I’ll find it 99 times out of 100. I’m not looking for them, but for
some reason they appear as if by magic.

Picture this:

I am strolling nonchalantly along a corridor, thinking about lunch,
when suddenly the guide dog stops. “Ah, it must be a double swing
door,” I think. So I put out my hand to push it open – only to find
myself cupping a breast.

There is always a delay of a second or so when I find myself frozen
in terror, working out my next move. Strangely, the owner of said
breast never speaks, mumbles, screams or coughs.

In my defence, how am I meant to know that someone is there? Let’s
look at the scene again from the owner of the breasts’ perspective.

“Oh, look! Here comes a blind man with his dog. I think I should
hold open one of these doors and stand extremely quietly in the
gap, barely breathing and he’ll not know I’m here. Oh, he’s stopped
in front of me. Should I say something now? No. Oh! He’s got hold
of my breast. Don’t breathe, don’t move, say nothing. You would
think his dog would know that I was here.”

Take the same scene now, from the dog’s view.

The dog looks at the open door and the woman standing in the narrow
gap holding it open. He sucks in his cheeks and looks up at me,
while raising one eyebrow. “How am I meant to get him through
there? If only she would get out the way. What they teach you at
guide-dog school is to sit quietly until the humans sort it out.
Fat chance. If only I could give her a quick nip, that would shift
her,” he might think.

Over the years I’ve tried various techniques to change the way I
open doors, such as dropping my hand to a lower spot – but that
could have implications which are even worse.

Once in a lift, I had another embarrassing encounter. I had been
counting the floors so I knew I was approaching ground floor. I
remembered the buttons operating the doors were on the right of the
double doors. When the lift finally stopped, I reached out my hand
to press the button, which is about shoulder-height. I stretched
out my hand – only to feel a face, which I was pressing firmly with
the palm of my hand, forcing the person’s head backwards against
the button. As the door slid open, the dog and I shot out, not
hanging around for a response.

These incidents bring me no pleasure. They are highly embarrassing.

It doesn’t matter how often it happens – I still don’t know how to
get out of it, or what to say. If people only said something –
“hello” would do – we could avoid all this awkwardness.

So if I have inadvertently grasped your breast because I thought
you were a door, or used your face as the exit button, please
accept my sincere apologies.

Ian Hamilton.

Blogger Barry: I edited it slightly to make it a little more

Thanks for your time. Hope you enjoyed. Please use the comment
and follow buttons.

Barry Blomkamp Nd. Bsc (UL)
Professional Public Speaker, Trainer and Corporate Entertainer,
Motivational speaker, Guest & Key note speaker, Seminar &
Conference speaker, Team Builder, Comedian, Master of Ceremonies,

For your Strategic Planning sessions, Management or Sales meetings,
Conferences and/or Seminars, Award functions, Year end parties,
Christmas parties,

Cape Town, South Africa.

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